


An Integral Equation to Calculate How Much My Heart Expands Around You

by Viridescence



Category: CW Network RPF, Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe, Alternate Universe - College/University, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-01-22
Updated: 2012-01-22
Packaged: 2017-10-29 23:29:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,138
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/325365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Viridescence/pseuds/Viridescence
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jared is pleased to find that his new job at the Math Help Desk seems to have more benefits than not starving to death.</p>
            </blockquote>





	An Integral Equation to Calculate How Much My Heart Expands Around You

**Author's Note:**

> **Title:** An Integral Equation to Calculate How Much My Heart Expands Around You  
>  **Author:** viridescence/kaleidoscopeheart  
>  **Rating:** PG  
>  **Fandom:** Supernatural/CW RPS, AU  
>  **Pairing:** Jensen/Jared  
>  **Word Count:** ~4,180  
>  **Summary:** Jared is pleased to find that his new job at the Math Help Desk seems to have more benefits than not starving to death.  
>  **Warnings:** None really, unless you count schmooooooop  
>  **Disclaimer:** This is a work of FICTION written for entertainment purposes only. I do not own Jared or Jensen (as much as I’d like to) nor any other character based on a real person, and it’s a pretty safe bet to say that none of this ever happened, and that this story does not reflect the true sexual orientation or relationships of anyone depicted herein. I just borrow their names and likenesses and slap them on original characters to play in my own universe. No harm is intended, no profit is being made.  
>  **Author’s Note:** This is a one-shot ficlet that was originally written for [salire](http://salire.livejournal.com)’s [Fandom Stocking](http://fandom-stocking.livejournal.com/243385.html), for the prompts of orphan!Jared and college AU. Love ya, Val! ♥♥♥!! It’s unbetaed, but thank you to Pimmie for giving it a high-level once over. I’ve gone over it a couple of times since originally posting it, so hopefully it’s in fairly good shape.  
>  Also posted on LJ [here](http://viridescence.livejournal.com/201991.html) and DW [here](http://kaleidoscopeheart.dreamwidth.org/227629.html).

  
**An Integral Equation to Calculate How Much My Heart Expands Around You**   


Jared walked into the Math Help Desk and unzipped his coat. Unlike what he was expecting, the Help Desk wasn’t a single desk, but a room with a number of tables, white boards, old-fashioned chalk boards, and math reference charts and posters on the walls. Students were scattered around the room, heads bent over textbooks and graphic calculators, some talking in low voices as they worked through problems.

Jared had a feeling that this would work out alright. He hoped so, anyway, because otherwise he’d have to start cutting back on his food plan if he didn’t want to use it all up before the end of the semester. Which was not a good idea for someone of his size and activity level.

“Hey man, can I help you?”

Jared turned around to see a guy walking up to him. He had light brown hair that was a bit longer on top, bright green eyes and freckles, broad shoulders, and a touch of scruff. He was tall, only a few inches shorter than Jared’s six-foot-five. Jared’s jaw dropped a little before he managed to recover; he’d never seen anyone quite so gorgeous before.

“Yeah, hey. I’m here for tutoring.” Jared dug into his bag, searching for the paperwork the tutoring department had given him.

The guy gave him a professional smile. “Sure, we can definitely help you there. What class do you need help with?”

Jared looked up through his bangs, surprised. “Oh, sorry, man, that’s not what… I mean I don’t need tutoring.”

The guy got a little wrinkle between his eyebrows. “Didn’t you just say…”

Jared finally found the paper he was looking for and dropped his backpack to the floor. “I’m here to _be_ a tutor. Sam Ferris sent me over.” He shoved the paper forward into the guy’s hands.

Jared figured he had the chops to be a tutor—he’d had lots of practice at interacting with new people and was reasonably good at talking about math in a way that others could understand—but the he was really taking on this tutoring job because he needed the money. Jared’s part-time job at the campus bookstore wasn’t quite enough to make ends meet.

The fact that he could work on his own homework when he wasn’t tutoring others was an important bonus. His entire college career depended on keeping his scholarships; if he lost his full-ride he’d lose his one chance of making something of himself. He’d done pretty well for a kid who grew up in the foster-care system; he was smart and he kept to himself, focusing on his school work, and because of his dedication he’d earned a full-ride scholarship to a state university. But he had no one to help him if he failed, no financial resources. There was no Plan B.

The guy’s face immediately morphed into one of relief as he looked over Jared’s documentation. “Oh thank _god_. We are so swamped with finals coming up. We can use all the manpower we can get.” He glanced back at Jared, green eyes trailing up his chest before meeting his gaze. “Jared, right?”

Jared nodded and stuck out his hand, feeling a little flushed. This guy’s smile made his brain go fuzzy. “Jared Padalecki.”

The guy shook his hand, warm palm soft to the touch. “Jensen Ackles. I head the Math Help Desk when I’m not teaching.”

“You’re a professor?” Jared was surprised. This guy looked only a few years older than him.

Jensen chuckled. “Naw. Grad student. They have me teaching some of the basic math and algebra classes.”

“Oh, that would be why I haven’t seen you yet.” Jared hadn’t needed any of the basic classes since junior high. “And they have you running the Math Help Desk. They must not like you very much.”

Jensen threw back his head and laughed, exposing a long length of throat. _Jesus_. “Sometimes I wonder. Well, let’s see about getting you set up here.” He looked back down at Jared’s paperwork, and his face did another transformation into something like… astonishment?

Jensen raised wide green eyes to Jared. “You’re only a sophomore, and you’re qualified to tutor Calculus III and Vector Analysis? And Advanced Statistics and Probability?”

Jared felt a flush crawl up his neck. “Um. Yeah.”

“Wow, that’s… that’s impressive, Jared. Really.” Jensen gave him a soft smile, and Jared felt his stomach expand with heat. He pictured absently the integral equation that would account for the change in volume and then realized that he was being a dork.

“Er, thanks. I just… _get_ math.”

Jensen nodded, grinning. “Me too.” He then seemed to realize that they were still standing in the middle of the Math Help Desk, students looking over at them curiously. “Oh yeah. Well, this is great. Welcome to the team.”

Jared smiled. He _really_ hoped this worked out alright.

* * *

“So, have any plans for the Christmas break?” Jensen asked, plopping down into the seat across from Jared. He was wearing a Santa hat and wire-rimmed glasses, and _wow_ , Jared never knew he had a glasses kink before.

Three weeks he’d been working in the Math Help Desk with Jensen, and for three weeks he’d seen how good Jensen was at explaining math, helping out students, and how friendly and genuinely nice he was. He’d been furtively admiring Jensen’s freckles, his green eyes, his broad shoulders, the way his ass would stretch his jeans when Jensen bent over to write on a low section of white board. Three weeks, and Jared had developed something of a crush, not that he knew what to do about it. He’d never seriously dated anyone before, and he didn’t even know if Jensen was into guys.

Yes, Jensen was gorgeous, but for three weeks, they’d also spent a lot of time chatting and getting to know each other somewhat, and that time had also shown Jared that he sincerely liked Jensen as a person. He just wished he could open up to Jensen more, talk about things besides school and math. But whenever Jared tried to approach anything resembling emotional intimacy with anyone, the words just died in his throat. Which was stupid. Jared was great at talking. But not with anything truly personal. It meant that he was friendly with a lot of people, but close with no one. It was frustrating, because Jared felt like he was really starting to connect with Jensen, that there was this immense potential between them, if he could only… _talk_ to the guy.

“Um,” Jared said, turning his pencil in his hand. Truth was that he didn’t have any plans. Just him in the empty dorm; his roommate Gabe was going home to see his parents, and all of the sort-of-friends he’d made in his classes and study groups were going to be home with their families.

“Don’t you celebrate Christmas?” Jensen asked, his tone politely curious.

Jared swallowed. His experience with Christmas had always been really hit-or-miss, depending on which foster family he was with at the time. “Yeah, I do, but no, I don’t have any plans. I’m staying here over the break.”

Jensen looked concerned. “Is your family here in town?”

Jared dropped his eyes to the calculus equations he was checking for a student. “No.”

“Then why…”

Jared struggled for words for a moment, before finally whispering, “No family. I don’t have any family.” He couldn’t bring himself to look up at Jensen, so he kept working on the equations as his face heated with a blush. He noticed that the student had made an error in one of the expressions of the equation, so he had to re-calculate the answer given the incorrect information.

“Jared.”

Jared’s pencil flew over the paper, the equation giving him a way to avoid looking at Jensen.

“ _Jared_.” Jensen’s voice was firmer now, and he reached out a hand to touch Jared’s arm. Heat bled into Jared’s skin from the touch, making his nerves sizzle.

He looked up to see Jensen gazing at him with affection and interest written across his features. “What?” He thought he knew what was coming next—Jensen would grill him on having no family.

“Why don’t you have Christmas with me?”

Jared dropped his pencil. “Wha—what?” With one sentence, Jensen had managed to surprise him on multiple fronts.

Pink flushed across Jensen’s cheeks. “Man, I can’t let you spend your holiday alone.”

Jared frowned. “Jensen, thanks, but I don’t need your charity.”

Jensen tugged on the papers in Jared’s hands. “No, Jared, it’s not charity. Look, the last few weeks we’ve gotten to know each other a little, right?”

Jared nodded.

“And I think of you as a friend. Or I’d like you to be my friend, anyway. And I don’t let my friends spend the holidays all by themselves. It’s not charity—I like you.”

Jared’s chest warmed and he felt a smile creep onto his face. “Really?”

Jensen nodded at him, sincerity all over his smile. “Yes, really.”

“Well, alright, I can probably do that.” Jared’s heart skipped at the thought of spending more time with Jensen one-on-one. Being around him made Jared’s life seem much less lonely, and Jared was starting to crave that swooping feeling that Jensen gave him.

Jensen’s face lit up. “Awesome! I have a little party with just a few friends on Christmas Eve, you’re totally invited to join us, and then on Christmas day, I’ll call and talk to all of my family, and then I usually like to spend a few hours volunteering at the local shelter, and then hang out at my place and marathon movies or something. You’re welcome to join me for as much of that as you like.”

Jared fidgeted. He’d spent enough time in shelters growing up, knew how much they always needed help and donations. He didn’t mind doing volunteering at all; at least folks didn’t know him in this town. But the fact that Jensen made time to volunteer… Jared felt his crush morph into something deeper. “When are you going to the shelter?”

“I’ve got to round up all the food donations the department has organized, and then I’m dropping it all off at the shelter probably around eleven.”

Jared mentally checked his schedule. He could sleep in and then meet Jensen at the shelter. “That works for me. Where should I meet you? The shelter?”

Jensen’s smile seemed to shine, his eyes crinkling up. “You want to volunteer with me?”

Jared nodded.

Jensen looked at Jared for a moment, emotion on his face that Jared couldn’t quite interpret. “Wow, thank you, Jay. How about I come pick you up on my way to the shelter. That work for you?”

Jared’s heart fluttered at the nickname—Jensen hadn’t ever called him that before, and Jared kind of liked it. “Yeah, that works. So, about quarter to eleven, then?”

Jensen beamed at him.

* * *

Jensen had a unit in the graduate student housing that he shared with a roommate, a guy named Tom who was in the MBA program. Jared was surprised to see that Tom was nearly as tall as he was, with broad shoulders, light eyes, and dark hair. He seemed friendly enough, after introductions, and then Jared was wandering into a living room with half a dozen people in it.

“Jared, hey!” Jensen’s grin encompassed his whole face when he saw Jared was there.

Jared smiled in return, feeling himself slip into “make new friends” mode. It was something he was pretty good at, having to frequently change schools while he was growing up.

Jensen took Jared around the room, introducing him to everyone. There was a blonde girl named Adrianne sitting with another girl named Jamie; Jensen introduced them as a friend and Tom’s girlfriend, respectively. There were a couple of guys in one corner, strumming on guitars, named Steve and Jason. Their voices blended well together as they sung corny Christmas carols.

Jensen seemed particularly friendly with both Adrienne and Steve; Jared couldn’t tell if he was dating either of them. He hoped Jensen _wasn’t_ dating anyone. He’d wondered if Jensen was gay, but he really didn’t have the first clue about how to tell for sure, or what to do about it if Jensen was gay. But he enjoyed seeing Jensen relaxed and joking around, singing along with Steve and Jason, giving Tom crap about leaving his dishes unwashed.

There was beer, but no one was getting sloshed. Jared figured it was because everyone here—except him, of course—was a grad student, and had already gotten the party bug out of their system during undergrad. He liked it, actually, not feeling like he had to get blitzed to be cool or have a good time. So he sat back, nursed his beer, chatted with Adrianne about the statistics classes she had to take in her Psychology coursework, sang along with “Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer,” and watched Jensen’s eyes glitter in the Christmas tree lights as he mingled around the room.

Jensen spent a lot of time sitting next to Jared, though, something that made Jared’s stomach flutter.

“Hey, you having a good time?” Jensen asked him at one point, a couple of hours into the evening.

Jared was completely honest when he said, “Yeah. This is great. I’m glad it’s not a wild party.”

Jensen seemed relieved. “Oh, me too. I’d rather just hang with friends than get shit-faced with a bunch of people I don’t know.”

Jared nodded, and then Jensen appeared to realize that Jared was in a room of people he didn’t know, his face turning pensive again.

“You are getting along with everyone, right?”

Jared grinned. “Yeah, it’s cool, Jensen. You have good friends. I’m glad you invited me.”

Jensen sank back down into the sofa, pressed up against Jared’s side. “Me too. We still on for volunteering tomorrow?”

“Definitely.” Jared was looking forward to it, actually.

“Time for presents!” Tom shouted, interrupting all the conversation.

Jared looked up, surprised. “I didn’t know we were exchanging gifts. I didn’t bring anything.”

Jensen gave an embarrassed chuckle. “Sorry, I forgot to tell you. We always exchange gag gifts. Stupid, stuff, less than ten dollars worth. It’s just for laughs.”

Tom placed a gaudily wrapped box in Jared’s lap then. “Merry Christmas!”

Jared tried to hand it back. “I didn’t bring one, I shouldn’t take one.”

Tom shrugged him off, pushing the box back in his hands. “We always have a couple extra gifts just in case. _Everyone_ gets a gift.”

Jared looked over at Jensen, who was peeking into his gift bag. “House rules, Jared,” Jensen said, smirking, and Jared relaxed, nodding in agreement.

Tom finished distributing the gifts and then stood in the center of the room. “Okay, I have randomly handed these out, and I didn’t wrap any of them, so you can’t claim I rigged anything!”

This was followed by some jeers and laughter.

“They’re numbered, and we’ll open them in order. If you want to trade with someone, you have to negotiate that yourself. Okay, who’s got number one?”

They went around the room, breaking into hysterics as people opened up their gifts. Tom got a “Strip-Tease Aerobics” exercise video, something he seemed simultaneously embarrassed over and interested in, and for which Jamie swatted him on the arm as her face turned bright red. Adrianne got a couple boxes of Hostess Cupcakes, which she promptly opened and started distributing, tossing the chocolate cakes across the room at people. “I ain’t eating all of these, y’all get to help me out!” she shouted as she lobbed one at Steve.

Jamie got a cow-shaped creamer dish, which she decided was “hideous—it doesn’t even have udders and it’s supposed to be a cow!” and would go in her school office rather than ever take up residence in her apartment.

Jensen got a pair of sparkly, fluffy purple ear muffs, and Jared nearly choked on his beer, he was laughing so hard. Jensen just stuck out his tongue at him and put the ear muffs on anyway.

And then it was Jared’s turn. Apprehensive, Jared peeled away the wrapping paper. It was a box containing several different bunches of metal rings that were all looped together, and Jared’s face broke into a wide grin. They were metal mind-teaser puzzles—he _loved_ shit like this.

Jensen looked over at him, and his eyes widened. “Oh, that’s awesome, Jared!”

“I know, right?” Jared answered, fishing the first puzzle out of the box, rings clanking together. He consulted the instructions for a moment, then tossed the paper back into the box. “The trick is to get this big ring separated from the rest of them.” He was talking more to himself than to Jensen, but he could see Jensen nod. “It’s a logic puzzle.”

He was vaguely aware of the cackling laughter that coincided with Steve opening his present to find a bright pink _My Little Pony_ , but he didn’t really care. He had the ring half dislodged from the others, and was intently focused on solving the rest of it.

Beside him, Jensen gave him an amused snort. “You’ll have that worked out before you go home, won’t you?”

Jared looked over at him through his bangs, grinning in delight. “Probably.”

Jensen just smiled at him.

* * *

Jared climbed into Jensen’s car on Christmas morning, handing over a small bag of canned food and fresh produce. He didn’t have a lot to donate himself, but he’d made a point to add some extra groceries to his cart on his last trip to the store.

When Jensen saw the bag, he grinned at Jared and patted him on the shoulder, fingers pressing into the muscles through the coat.

“So what’s the reason you volunteer?” Jared asked.

Jensen pulled out into the road. “It’s been something I’ve done since I was a kid. My family was never very wealthy, and there were a few meals at the shelter when things were really bad. But we always made a point to volunteer over the holidays, because even when we had it tough, others were worse off. Even after my parents’ financial situation stabilized when I was a teenager, I kept volunteering regularly because I enjoyed helping other people.”

Jared smiled at him, admiring him more with each passing second.

Jensen glanced sideways at him. “What about you? Any reason you’re willing to volunteer, unless you’re just trying to impress me?”

Jared frowned and looked down at his hands, wringing them in his lap.

“You aren’t just trying to impress me, are you?”

Jared shook his head. He hadn’t ever really talked about this with anyone, but Jensen was right—they were friends now. And for the first time, he _wanted_ to talk about it. He just had to somehow force the words out. “No, um… my parents died when I was eight.”

Jensen’s face morphed into a look of sympathy and concern. Jared continued before he could say anything, because if he stopped now, he’d never say it all. “And they didn’t have any family I could go to, no life insurance or trust money, so I went into the foster care system. Nobody ever adopted me, I was too old, and I got passed around from foster home to foster home.”

Jensen looked heart broken. “Oh, Jared, I’m so sorry. When you said you didn’t have any family, I never imagined it would be as bad as that. I can’t even imagine.”

“Nobody knows. Just you, now.” Jared swallowed back emotion and continued. “Well, in a lot of ways, I was really lucky. My various foster families were all good to me, no one ever abused me or treated me like dirt, or anything like the horror stories you sometimes hear. And I didn’t get into much trouble, either. I was a good kid. It just ended up that I didn’t stay in one house for more than a year or so. And when I was between foster homes, the state had me stay in these shelters.

“I just focused on school, because it was the only constant thing in my life. It turned out I was really good at math, and I got scholarships to attend college, and I hope that I’ll be able to do well enough that I don’t ever have to stay at a shelter again. I remember how they helped me, though; I can’t donate much right now, but I can donate my time.”

Jensen reached over and put his hand on Jared’s knee. “Wow. I’m sorry you had such a difficult childhood. Now I can see why you’re so…”

“So… what?” Jared tensed, wary, far too used to the way people changed in the wake of learning he was an orphan. They always made assumptions, good or bad, and worse, started _pitying_ him. Jared hated that. It was one of the reasons he never talked about it.

“So… distant. But it makes sense now.”

Well, that was better than he’d expected, but Jared scowled anyway. He didn’t want to be psychoanalyzed. He already knew that he tended to keep people at arm’s length because it was easier when they left if he wasn’t too attached. He _knew_ that already.

Jensen apparently saw Jared’s reaction, because he quickly backpedalled. “No, I don’t mean… well, shit. Let me take my foot out of my mouth. I mean to say that I can understand why you’re so strong, if you’ve been through all of that. It makes sense that you don’t like to talk about it, and I’m glad you felt like you could tell me. All I wanted was to know you better. Because I like you.”

The side of Jared’s lips crept upward. Jensen was kind of cute when he was flustered, and he could tell that Jensen was being sincere. Part of him was squirming in glee—Jensen liked him! But he needed to be sure they were on the same page. “Yeah, you said that the other day—you want to be my friend. Is that all?”

Jensen pulled the car over onto the side of the road, putting the transmission in park. He shifted in his seat so he was turned toward Jared rather than the steering wheel, and his eyes were bright green in the late morning sunlight. “Okay, I’m just gonna come out and say it, because my gaydar isn’t usually wrong, and I keep getting this vibe from you like you’re interested. I really do like you, Jay. I haven’t been able to stop thinking about you since you came into the Math Help Desk and blew my mind. You’re so smart, you’re so good at helping people understand math, and it just amazes me. So, yeah, I want to be your friend, and if you’d let me, I’d like to be more than that. But I only want whatever you’re comfortable with giving me, and if that’s only friendship, I’m cool with that.”

Jared gaped at Jensen, his mouth hanging open. In the entire universe of things Jensen could have said, Jared was not expecting that, or for Jensen to be that direct.

Jensen bit his lip after a long moment of silence from Jared. “Was I wrong? Oh shit, are you straight?”

Jared blinked and felt his brain re-engage. “N-no, Jensen. You’re not wrong. I’m gay. I just wasn’t expecting… that.”

Jensen’s shoulders relaxed. “Have I upset you? You’re frowning a lot over there, and it’s making me nervous.”

Jared forced himself to relax and let out a strained chuckle. “No, I’m not upset. Just surprised and… wow.” He took a deep breath. “I always tried to hide it, you know? Not that I was ashamed of it or anything, but it was just a matter of survival. Going to a new school every year, I was already the new kid, the one everyone focused on, and then it would get around that I was smart, so it was just easier to not let anyone know that I was gay, to save me that additional scrutiny. So I’m just… surprised that you picked up on it.”

Jensen had a soft smile on his face now, and he was nodding. “I just thought I saw you looking at me.”

Jared blushed. “Um, yeah. Guess I wasn’t as subtle as I thought I was.”

Jensen laughed at that. “Nope, definitely not.”

Jared bit his lip, trying not to smile. “So, um, about what you said.”

“Yeah?”

“I don’t know much about dating or relationships. But you make me want to try. Let’s start with a date and see how it goes from there.”

Jensen’s grin lit up the inside of the car.


End file.
